180: [Solo] No More Feedback Sandwich! (And How to Deliver Constructive Feedback Instead) on the TalentGrow Show with Halelly Azulay
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The “feedback sandwich” is a popular method of delivering constructive feedback. It basically means sandwiching your negative feedback inside of positive feedback to lessen the blow, and it can seem reasonable at first glance. But I’m hoping that after you listen to this episode, you’ll never use the feedback sandwich ever again. On this solo episode of The TalentGrow Show, I explain why the popular feedback sandwich method is actually harmful and ineffective in the long-run, and what approach you should be using instead when you deliver constructive feedback. So listen and, please, don’t serve up that nasty feedback sandwich anymore!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN: Why the Feedback Sandwich is Yucky and What to Do Instead to Deliver Effective Constructive Feedback without Destroying Trust
Have you heard of the “feedback sandwich” or “compliment sandwich” approach?
This is feedback-giving advice that some people still dole out. And some people still practice.
And I hope (very much!) that after listening to this episode you will not use it, ever again.
In this episode (which is based on this blog post), I’ll first describe what the feedback sandwich is, and why its proponents think it’s a good idea. I’ll then describe what’s wrong with it and what to do instead.
Let’s break it down.
Why are you even delivering constructive feedback in the first place?
The other person is doing something that isn’t effective, and you want them to stop or change it.
Key: Regardless of your method, there should always be a constructive reason to deliver constructive feedback.
So, what’s the big deal?
Well, you’re worried that they won’t like hearing it.
Or that they will get hurt or angry by this feedback.
What’s the feedback sandwich?
According to the proponents of the feedback sandwich method, the way you overcome this concern for the negative impact of constructive feedback on the other person and your relationship with them is that you ‘sandwich’ the negative component between two layers of positive feedback or compliments.
The idea is that it will thus soften the blow or ease the pain.
And as a result, according to this approach, the person will receive your negative feedback in a more favorable way.
I say, “B.S.!”
Here’s why:
What’s wrong with the feedback sandwich?
My beef with the sandwich method (see what I did there? ;) ) is not so much the actual feedback in the moment and how well it is received, but rather the aftermath of using this method habitually.
You see, when you use this as your feedback delivery method, you are teaching people to be on edge whenever something positive comes out of your mouth.
You are training them to be worried when you give them a compliment or say something nice.
Why?
Because when they experience the feedback sandwich the first time, they don’t know what’s coming. It seems okay.
But when it’s how you deliver feedback habitually, they begin to detect the sandwich pattern and notice that whenever you give them something that is unpleasant to hear, it is always preceded by a nicety.
And vice versa (that's the rub!): when you give them something nice to hear, it's often followed by something not so pleasant.
And like Pavolv’s dogs, people become trained to immediately expect ‘bad’ to follow when they hear ‘good’ if that’s the pattern they experience. They are conditioned to expect it to recur.
Like a cotton ball... (say what?!)
I like to use this metaphor when I teach this in my workshops:
Think about a little cotton ball.
What are its properties? It’s fluffy, soft, harmless.
When its fluffiness is rubbed on your arm, it’s very nice. No problems.
But what whenever someone rubs a soft, fluffy, harmless little cotton ball on your arm, it’s immediately followed by the prick of a needle drawing blood?…
Well, then, whenever you see or feel a cotton ball rubbing on your arm, your feelings about that cotton ball change, don’t they?
It’s no longer soft, lovely, harmless fluffiness. It’s no longer welcomed or benign.
You’re on edge...
You’re ready for that needle prick...
You’re no fool!
(Amiright?)
Same thing with the feedback sandwich: A compliment or nicety, by itself, is lovely.
But not when it seems to always be followed by something unpleasant.
It teaches you to never let your guard down for compliments again!
And *that’s* what’s wrong with the feedback sandwich: it mars the positive feedback forever as something to ignore (at best) or be wary of (at worst).
Please stop. Don’t serve up that nasty feedback sandwich anymore!
What to do instead of the feedback sandwich (how to deliver ‘negative’ or constructive feedback)?
“So what should I do, Halelly? How should I deliver constructive feedback in a way that doesn’t cause the other person to shut down, get defensive, or feel badly about me and our relationship?”
Well, I’m glad you asked!
I have a two-pronged suggestion for you – because life, and people, and communication, is rarely simple and one-faceted. And I really want you to implement both of these facets.
We have to think about the context and content of the feedback conversation BOTH in the big picture (macro) perspective of the whole relationship AND the specifics of the feedback conversation (micro) perspective.
Warning: My advice will not work as well if you only focus on the feedback conversation in isolation. (But then my caution about the feedback sandwich is also not stemming from a micro view, either.)
Halelly’s two-pronged solution for providing constructive feedback: Focus on both the macro and the micro relationship.
Macro: The big picture must be tilted in favor of positive content
Micro: The feedback conversation must be free of fluff and fillers, sincere but short, direct and to the point.
Let's take a closer look at each:
Macro: The big picture must be tilted in favor of positive content
We humans are hard-wired to look for bad news and negative information about our world. Our brain is rigged to notice negative stuff more than positive stuff in order to help us stay alive.
It’s a good thing and really helpful when it comes to protecting us from lions and tigers and bears, but it’s not that helpful in our modern-day interactions at work and at home. We seem to notice what’s wrong with the situation or seek out a negative interpretation of every interaction and others’ intentions.
This tendency can be the source of many misunderstandings and interpersonal conflicts.
So one of the key insights backed by cognitive and social science research is that we need to overdo the positive interactions with people around us to try to overcompensate for this negative bias.
In other words, we need to infuse our relationships with a disproportional supply of positive interactions to make up for our tendency to seek and notice and remember the negative much more than the positive.
Some say it’s a 5:1 ratio. Some argue it’s more. But it should definitely be more positive interactions to negative ones.
[In episode 179, Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros suggested 4:1 or the 80/20 approach. Kim Scott, in episode 177, also spoke about the importance of a higher-positive-to-negative-ratio for your interactions.]
Important: the positive interactions MUST be unvarnished and unattached to any negative input. They should be free-standing, isolated and solely positive.
Meaning, NO SANDWICH!
Because as we saw, positive interactions lose potency and ultimately have zero benefit (or worse, a detrimental effect) when they’re always or often followed by the ‘needle prick’ of something negative or unpleasant.
Important caveat: positive interactions MUST BE SINCERE. No fake flattery or forced compliments. People can smell fake and it’s definitely not going to be perceived in a positive way or support your high-positive-to-negative ratio, trust me.
[Learn my STS formula for giving positive feedback.]
When you have a relationship with someone that involves a plethora of positive interactions, you are helping to isolate and outnumber any kind of negative ones.
And then, when it’s time to deliver unpleasant news such as giving constructive feedback, the overall positive skew you’ve already embedded into your relationship over time will sustain and buffer that negative interaction from taking an overly large toll on the relationship.
The person to whom you give that feedback will be able to receive the feedback as helpful and assume a constructive intention on your part when you’ve created that pattern in your interactions that says you are kind, generous, appreciative, and benevolent.
And they’ll be a lot less likely to freak out (which is the reason people use that sandwich in the first place).
Micro: The feedback conversation must be free of fluff and fillers, sincere but short, direct and to the point
So your constructive feedback conversations will no longer “need” that ‘fluffery’ of the maligned cotton ball. And you can ditch that yucky feedback sandwich forever.
When you want to give feedback about something that the other person is doing wrong, or that is not working for you and you want them to change it, you will be less worried about their reaction when you talk about it in the context of a positive-heavy relationship.
You won’t need to be as worried and feeling the need to pussy-foot around the message. Or stick it in that sandwich.
You simply deliver constructive feedback in a conversation that is as short as possible. And with empathy, of course.
Explain observable facts (not assumptions), their impact on you or the work (answer the question, “so what?”), and allow the other person to react and give their side of the story as soon as possible.
Then, discuss ideas for ways to resolve the situation and agree on a path forward that both of you can live with.
Finally, offer your support and follow up.
That’s it – short and sweet. Direct and sincere. Kind and well-intentioned.
NOT fluffed up with cotton-balls and compliments that poison your future positive interactions.
Sum up
· The feedback sandwich is a bad idea. It reduces trust and dilutes the value of your positive feedback in the long term. Stop serving it!
· Instead you must pay attention to both the MACRO and the MICRO context in your relationships and decouple the positive feedback from the constructive feedback.
· Deliver a much greater ratio of positive to negative interactions in your workplace relationships overall and deliver the positive in isolation of any negative.
· Then, when you have constructive, helpful feedback to give, deliver it directly and kindly without fluff and without sandwiching it with compliments.
Your turn
What about you, TalentGrowers? What’s your experience with giving or receiving the feedback sandwich? I’d love to hear your thoughts, reactions, experiences, and/or questions in the comments below!
And send this episode to someone you know who might benefit from learning this.
Would you like to submit a topic for a future solo episode? You can use the voice messaging widget right here on the website and then I can even play your audio (with your permission, of course) on the episode! Or you can send me an email, or a ‘contact us’ form on this site, or a comment-based question, or a tweet…. You get the picture. Any way you like it, I would love to hear your question!
About Halelly Azulay
Have we met? I'm Halelly Azulay. I'm an author, speaker, facilitator, and leadership development strategist and an expert in leadership, communication skills, and emotional intelligence. I am the author of two books, Employee Development on a Shoestring (ATD Press) and Strength to Strength: How Working from Your Strengths Can Help You Lead a More Fulfilling Life. My books, workshops and retreats build on my 20+ years of professional experience in communication and leadership development in corporate, government, nonprofit and academic organizations.
I am the president of TalentGrow LLC, a consulting company focused on developing leaders and teams, especially for enterprises experiencing explosive growth or expansion that want a more proactive, strategic approach to leadership development. We specialize in growing leadership capabilities, improving communication skills, building stronger teams, and upgrading emotional intelligence. TalentGrow develops leaders across all organizational levels, including C-level leaders, frontline managers, emerging leaders, and individual contributors. People hire me to speak at conferences and meetings and to facilitate leadership workshops, but what I love most is to help fast growing organizations create a leadership development strategy and approach.
I'm a contributing author to numerous books, articles and blogs. I was described as a “Leadership Development Guru” by TD Magazine. I blog, publish a leadership podcast (um, hello?!), and have a popular free weekly subscription newsletter – so you should definitely sign up at www.tinyurl.com/talentgrow.
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Intro/outro music: "Why-Y" by Esta